Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Pregnant Women Have Junk

I've come to a realization this evening, after a day of mulling over...okay, that's not true. I didn't spend much time thinking about it at all. Just kinda came to me.

A lot of stuff gets written about how men should learn what it's like to be a woman during pregnancy. At this early phase, though, I've come to a realization: women - at least at this point - have actually learned, at least in part, what it's like to be a dude. Seriously.

My evidence: have you ever SEEN one of these maternity bra things? Oh. My. Gawd.

Seriously. They're made of cotton. They're huge. Armored. Strapped. Supported. They have little pull-open flaps (in the case of the one I saw, it even has a snap - nifty) and I swear the sewing looks like nothing so much as a guy's briefs. Seeing Amy in one of these this morning, I thought I was looking at a pair of my briefs she'd ripped the bottom out of and stuck her head through. Friggin incredible.

So then it came to me. Women's breasts, okay, they get bigger early in the pregnancy. They become sensitive to touch, and if you accidentally whomp one, it hurts like the blazes....just like a dude's junk. So, for safety and support, they strap them into this massive, sewn-cotton monstrosity... just like many guys do with their junk. The SIZE of the female "junk" is directly proportional to both the notice and the effectiveness of the "junk" - just like the male stuff. Big junk? Everyone notices and gawks, even if you're wearing clothes. Small junk? Everyone clucks their tongues and sighs and lies to you about how it doesn't matter that much anyway.

Call me crazy - and I'm sure you will - but I am now of the belief that women get their one look at what it's like to be a dude early in their pregnancy. Granted, their junk is mounted higher than the dude unit, but I'm not convinced that makes it more or less safe. Any guy will tell you that small children, large pets, furniture and door knobs all pose a threat to the low-slung materials.

Other news: One of our cats has very recently started dumping on the couch. Uber not cool, to be sure, but the cause we don't know. We were fostering a cat, and this dumping (happened twice now) started the day after it left. Wondering if it's a territorial reaction and our cats haven't figured out the enemy has left the building. Also wondering if possibly El Gato Poopado has caught the whiff of pregnant wife, and is trying to mark territory where she sits most often. If so, that's extra annoying, because of the whole "cat feces/toxmosis" thingie, or whatever it's called.

So yeah. Don't expect daily updates, but tonight I had something to say.

Knocked up chicks totally have balls. You heard it here first.

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